went back to old blog to edit/delete older entries... wa... so many memories wor... and din realised i was so free back then during my poly days to blog almost everyday.. lol... sometimes can even blog for fun sia...

read through all the entries... found one very memorable and classic...

Dated: Wed, Aug 18, 2004, 00:18
Title: Memories...

In life, what you want is not what you will always get… No matter how much you want it, or long for it, it may not be yours ultimately. Even if you have the ability to get what you want, nothing lasts forever. When I was younger, and we read fairytales like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty or Snow White & the seven dwarfs, I used to dream that in future when I grow up, I would also want to be like them, able to find a Prince Charming which would belong to me… and we would live happily ever after.

As I grew up, I realized that life isn’t a fairytale. Our standards or criteria tend to differ from time to time. We are the ones writing our own stories. Do we choose who we fall in love with? Who do we want to be with and build our future with? All these never came to my mind until one day......

Was crapping around in another channel, when he saw and chased me to study for exams. That’s how we knew each other. Gradually, every night we were chatting with each other. He encouraged me and I shared my problems with him. After taking my JAVA paper, was so disappointed and moody as I knew I will not be able to score. Then he consoled me. One day I felt sick, and he sms me if I needed him to come over to accompany me. By then, had some feelings for him already.

Got together on 10/5. Soon, he went for reservist. Some nights we would be chatting on fone. It was nice chatting with him, and friends were envying me.

25/5/04 First day of training at MSH for telemarketing job. Arranged to meet him after 10pm at Bugis. He called and said he was at the fountain there. Didn’t know how he looked like and which guy was him as there were a few guys sitting around. Sat beside a tattooed guy, was so afraid that that guy would be him. Few mins later, the tattooed guy went off, and I saw a guy at my left hand side. Waited for that guy to turn and look at me. Finally he turned and smiled at me. So it must be him, as no one would smile at me for any reason, unless the person knows me. =D

Walked over to esplanade. Sat down and looked at stars. Shy to sit beside him so kept a distance. Talked and talked. Saw a shooting star. Bu zhi bu jue… I fell asleep… just like that. The night was cold and breezy but I felt warm in his arms. A kind of feeling which was so sweet that I’ve never had before. My hands were cold and he covered my hands using his shirt, and when I was bitten by the mosquitoes, he rubbed it for me and it felt so comfortable. Spent the night with him, knowing that when I got home, I would be reprimanded, but I just don’t care.

Around 5+ we made our way slowly to the MRT Station. Passed by Nooch, and he said when he had the money, he would bring me to eat. He pei me sit train till Woodlands, he was so tired. See ler I felt so bad. Went home and got scolding but received a sweet msg from him was worth it.

27/5/04 So happy as today is our first date. Went to Bugis for Sakae buffet, and then watched TROY. First time go watch movie with a guy =x After movie went esplanade. Sat down, see waves, see ships, see stars. Felt so happy with him by my side. That pair of hands felt so warm, and when he held my hand, I realized that was the hand I was looking for. One that could make mi feel secured. Around 10+ we took bus home. The journey was an hour long, and as usual, I would fall asleep. He see me home. Hehe. First time guy see me home oso... LOLx

30/5/04 It was raining heavily earlier on. So afraid that I couldn’t meet him. Met at tampines, then went over to Simei as I wanted to go to the pet shop to look at doggies. =D then he bring me walk far far go bus stop to sit bus to East Coast. Reach ler must walk somemore wor. Keke. Saw McDonalds so went in, he buy ice-cream gimmi eat. =D~ Then went to sit at the rocks there… as usual see stars, see ships. Lied down on his lap, and looked at him, he showed me a funny face. He was trying his best to open his eyes as big as possible. Then sth happened... LOL Walked to the bus stop and waited for our buses. Competing who would reach home first. Haha.

1/6-9/6/04 So sad… he went to Indonesia… Missed him a lot for this period of time. He was supposed to be back by 6th or 7th. Then I waited and waited... Was worried, because I’m afraid to lose him. Went ChinaBlack for a friend’s bday on 5th. Didn’t really enjoy myself as I was thinking of him and my eyes were painful on that day. Went home drunk although didn’t really drink much. When he finally came back on 9th, I was so elated to receive his sms. Had catching up to do... haha

11/6/04 So long never see him, so decided to go for movie. Met at City Hall. Went Marina buy tix for Harry Porter. Counter ask mi is it ok if they gave us a couple seat, I huh… then looked at him, then he looked at me, I looked at counter. Haha. So funny. Walk walk awhile then went to the waiting area to sit. Saw a group of girls in front of us trying to be funny, and we joked about them.

17/6/04 Realised that we were drifting further and further. For what reasons, I’m not sure… maybe the problem lies with me. I’m quite temperamental, HAIZ. But tried controlling it already. Asked him out to talk. See if we can talk it out, solve problems. Ended up I’m the one talking, he’s so quiet… the feeling of breaking up seems near. As I spoke more and more, tears started to fall… just couldn’t control myself. And… He went home.

18/6/04 Felt moody, didn’t really slept much. Evening time received an sms saying he don’t like me liao. that’s all. let’s break. those words hurt me deep and alot. Suddenly, my whole world crashed. I was so sad… cried and cried. Received a call from one of my god brother, ended up I talked to him till I cry again…

It has been 2 months since the breakup. I still feel the same. So hurt and sad. First time fall so deeply in love with a guy, fell so hard, giving in everything and putting in all my feelings, to get those words which hurt me so deep in return. Hopes and dreams gone. I dare not think of what would my future be. Not sure if I should move ahead, move backwards or stay put, as I fear of what lies ahead. At times, I feel like finding a guy to replace you, so that I could forget the memories I had with you. BUT I just couldn’t let go. Couldn’t let go of you, our memories. Don't know how to let go. It’s those happy memories that are making me sad. Only reason that kept mi going in life - those memories. I dun wish to be selfish, as I know that if I don’t let go, no matter how good another guy is, he will not be able to enter my life. Till now, I’m still waiting, hoping, even though I know that chances are slim. For the time being, I can only be like this. I’ll never forget the things that you’ve done that made me happy.

-end of entry-

after re-reading this entry... naturally memories do come back to me... happy or unhappy... wad to do... tis is life...